As we know, language provides our children with the ability to communicate needs, wants, feelings, dreams, and fears, but, it also gives them the opportunity to heal, empathize and/or atone for misdeeds, disrespectful behaviors, and/or lack of kindness. So, how do we teach our kids the power in the three little words, ‘I am sorry’? Some adults feel that by forcing little ones to say the words, it automatically excuses transgressions and makes everything ok. Other adults seem to feel that a punishment for an action against another person is a substitute for an apology. However, if we are to teach our children how to forgive as well as how to ask for forgiveness, we need to foster a sense of right and wrong as well as a feeling of having our children feel accountable for another’s well being. And so, I believe it is necessary to model forgiving attitudes as well as to demonstrate how to, why to and when to say ‘I am sorry’.
In a perfect world, we would always do and say the proper and lovely thing, but, just like our world, we, parents/educators are less than perfect. To me, excusing children from misdeeds after they say an automatic, ‘I am sorry’, is a bit irresponsible for it fails to teach them why they should be feeling remorseful and how their actions affect another person(s). So, what do we do? How do we teach empathy with kindness? How do we empower our children with a language of healing?
Saying ‘I am sorry’ is a behavior, that should be reinforced for it helps children to develop a conscience as well as the ability to become a more responsible, likable, caring human being. Discussing kind behaviors, reading stories about goodness, focusing discussions on feelings, sharing examples of people doing the right thing, and acting and speaking respectfully are the best practices to adopt in order teach children to be empathetic as well as sincere. When saying you are sorry to your child, please be cognizant that it is necessary to be specific about what you are saying you are sorry for. It is also important to ask your child how your behavior, whether it was a harsh word, something forgotten, or a misdeed made him/her feel. By including your child’s sentiments into your apology, you will successfully communicate that you are upset about your own behavior because you value his/her feelings. Discussions about feeling ‘sorry’ provides us with ’teachable moments’ that will translate into facilitating your child’s skills in making connections between past, present and future actions and behaviors . And so, if we want the three little words, ‘I am sorry’ to have the power that they deserve, we must help our kids to feel their significance. Please work with me to give power and sincerity back to the three little words, ‘I am sorry!’
To my friends who celebrate Yom Kippur, saying sorry is an integral component of the holiday’s significance and for all of us, saying ‘I am sorry’ with passion and understanding should be an important lesson to share with our children each and every day.
Great blog, Donna! Thank you for this wonderful and timely reminder.